I have been in a weird state of mind lately. I don't know how much of the way I act is me...
I have always been cursed with nervousness and the inability to say what I feel. Call it closed off alpha male syndrome. Call it unbalanced love for communication in text... I just feel better when writing or even on the phone. I've always been this way, but I still make actions that paint me as a driven person who gets what he wants. I have a sense of feeling cunning or heartless, because I just don't know how to express myself up front. I fear that kind of openness. It hardly comes out unless I have my eyes closed on a therapist's couch, and even then honesty gets replaced by comfort and instead it is two friends dancing around on the shallow surface of truth, never digging in for the big kill.
I don't know what makes me into so many people/identities and so uncomfortable at the same time. I don't understand why I systematically downplay the importance of everything until it reaches a state where nothing can hurt me. The thing I forget most is nothing is ever really gained without chance. I just expect that moment where everything runs into a brick wall and communication and feeling disappear. This is all effed.
Honestly. No one is reading this except... and I don't know if that makes it matter or worthless.
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