Tanning Was Never So Easy.

I have been in a weird funk lately, though most can hardly tell. There is a general sense of upheaval around campus, and it betrays my sense of happiness and wonder that I sought out by coming to student housing. This particular volatile state brought about by the questions of changing semesters has been a little peculiar and I feel a certain sense of numbness as I try to pass through yet another gauntlet unscathed. Mentally, I have been been preparing and working for emotional and financial stability, but it concerns and hurts me to see so many people around me going through some painful motions and the uncertainty of what lies ahead for them. I yearn to see good things happen to the people around me, and that all these wishes & lessons, big or small, would just conjure themselves into existence.

This brings me back to a mindset that I swore I would adopt, but my preconditioned mind keeps trying to sway me away from. I have learned and understood that Life just is... It cannot be practiced for, and no set of rules will ever carry you through without adaptation. But, I have always been a mysteriously calculating person, often nervous and non-conformist. I don't like accepting things with the risk entailed, and I always try to do the things that improve my shot with every hand I get dealt in life. Often though, I get stuck in some state where I live a life of inaction, because I just won't risk a thing on the gamble/crap shot odds of anything that is available to me. Sitting inside my head, I often condemn myself to the "situational laboratory" of life where I freak out about all the impending doom life seems to hold for us all... some kind of inevitable personal Hell that leaves us trapped with the worst of our fears.

This is more a cry for me to just live it. Fuck uncertainty! fuck my head and its uncontrollable periods of indifference and insanity. I've bought and punched my ticket... time to take the ride. I'm just calling myself out here. I need to get out there into my own wild carnival of life.

-J.

gotta cut loses while they're simple and low.