My instinct has been infused with inaction. I just want to sleep and drone...

I am not sure how to pull myself out of this funk. I wish there were more to this week than boredom.

I think I will take a walk... maybe I'll sleep on the balcony.

things that can't go unsaid.

you provided me with some great times and you are a person that i wish i had the right to dig into the very core of. maybe that feeling isn't reciprocal... but i just want to let you know that at the core of it all i have no wrath or guilt towards you. i'm here if you need a friend, and i'm here if you need an ear, but i know where the line is drawn, and i'm always going to be behind my side of it.

call it running away... call it distant admiration. you know how to find me... i am just going to let it all linger on the notes of those songs that make up the soundtrack of life. mix, sample, and replay to your liking.

"five minutes, breasts."
-J

in love with retribution

i think i fell in love with getting even right about the time the people around me started viewing me as nothing more than a tool.
i'm an apparatus or primitive device used to fill basic need then passed on.
i'm simply used and re-used.
i'm the bounce in a rebound.

fuck it. get even.

Lover I Don't Have to Love

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you
I said I liked your shoes
You said, "Thanks, can I follow you?"
So it's up the stairs and out of view
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name, you asked the time

Now it's two o'clock
The club is closed
We're up the block
Your hands on me; Pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know who else may have been you before

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure
I've got the money if you've got the time
You said it feels good
I said, "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers they just play tragic
And the phone's ringing and the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep... keep singing...

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you, but you...

You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do

Then hurt me... [x10]

by Bright Eyes

"A Song" from the Driveby Profanities

From vanities that scream of the inconsistent
to the fear in your sweat
I'm engraving enemies
into flesh

Vanities lie
Honesty dies
there's just this song
Euthanasia's overdose
prescribed madness
from crib to coffin
there's just this song

We are all too kind and clever
too kind
to subdue the lies
we gotta lie

Too perfect
to cause no harm
to be a suicide
without a bomb.

Unto perfection
we exercise our charm

Vanities lie
Honesty dies
there's just this song
Euthanasia's overdose
prescribed madness
from crib to coffin
there's just this song


All around
in this life
people are dying
We avert our eyes
There can be no crying
every chance and pleasure
merely symptomatic of dying
we march along
in the fear of sweat
no matter how long the time-line
is it worth the trying?

Staring down the barrel...

It is a disaster for me to approach a coffin, but Saturday it happens again. I am absolutely terrified, but I know it can't be ignored. I can't even begin to explain how much gut-wrenching pain is churning up inside of me. I don't know where it all is coming from. Get ready for some amazing waterworks.

"unfortunately EASY has no idea what to do with love."

I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
The birds
The birds

You want me?
Fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches
And nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

You want me?
Well come on and break the door down
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready

"Talk Show Host" - Radiohead

Ethereal Dreams

This is the product that a few semi-normal, non-medically induced nights of sleep: quality dreams.
I love the hard-to-pin feature of most of my dreams. I love their ethereal aspect, and how through most mundane moments of my days I am constantly visited with memories of a more perfect life - a life lived fully in a world of dreams.
Last night's dream life was filled with great conversation with people I miss and those I see daily. Whispers from my slumber still visit me now, and I'm embracing it fully.
Medication is a cruel monster, and this illness I battle doesn't fight fairly. I miss losing myself in the insanity of romance. I miss... so much.

But, this insomnia has to end. I can't live like this forever. I don't like the choices laid out before me.

Fatherless Day

Somewhere in North Carolina my father's body eternally rests. One of those military cemeteries where all the headstones are simple and pure white. I haven't seen that grave site since I was 13, on the day he was buried. There is a part of me left there that I never went back to recover.

Invitation Only

It's another night ended with watching the sunrise. I stay awake through the meaningless moments that would usually be heavy with meaningful dreams. I write and read the limitless volumes of life's experience without being too sure of the importance of any of that...

Identity has been an evasive concept. I wonder where I belong. I obviously don't belong in a place where I can be left to my own devices. I obviously don't belong in a place where I matter at all.

Its an interesting whirlwind of emotions... this life presents so many questions and nothing but vacuum silence instead of complete answers.

This is the true meaning of watching a rising sun... It's when you don't belong in your own life. It's when you're afraid of dreaming. It's when solitude and destruction are your truest friends.

Confession Criteria

It's tough to understand the way people really feel about you without putting it all out on the line.
It's tough to act human when you're stuck in a hurricane cloud of desire.
It's impossible to act correctly when you shy away from the truth in a storm.

Bloody Towels and Razorblades...

I'm going to be a naked guy wearing socks for a while. Black socks that don't show blood stains. i just need to get away from all this and go...

...into the bathroom with a locked door.

Tanning Was Never So Easy.

I have been in a weird funk lately, though most can hardly tell. There is a general sense of upheaval around campus, and it betrays my sense of happiness and wonder that I sought out by coming to student housing. This particular volatile state brought about by the questions of changing semesters has been a little peculiar and I feel a certain sense of numbness as I try to pass through yet another gauntlet unscathed. Mentally, I have been been preparing and working for emotional and financial stability, but it concerns and hurts me to see so many people around me going through some painful motions and the uncertainty of what lies ahead for them. I yearn to see good things happen to the people around me, and that all these wishes & lessons, big or small, would just conjure themselves into existence.

This brings me back to a mindset that I swore I would adopt, but my preconditioned mind keeps trying to sway me away from. I have learned and understood that Life just is... It cannot be practiced for, and no set of rules will ever carry you through without adaptation. But, I have always been a mysteriously calculating person, often nervous and non-conformist. I don't like accepting things with the risk entailed, and I always try to do the things that improve my shot with every hand I get dealt in life. Often though, I get stuck in some state where I live a life of inaction, because I just won't risk a thing on the gamble/crap shot odds of anything that is available to me. Sitting inside my head, I often condemn myself to the "situational laboratory" of life where I freak out about all the impending doom life seems to hold for us all... some kind of inevitable personal Hell that leaves us trapped with the worst of our fears.

This is more a cry for me to just live it. Fuck uncertainty! fuck my head and its uncontrollable periods of indifference and insanity. I've bought and punched my ticket... time to take the ride. I'm just calling myself out here. I need to get out there into my own wild carnival of life.

-J.

gotta cut loses while they're simple and low.

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

The Fear of Fleeting Moments.

I have been in a weird state of mind lately. I don't know how much of the way I act is me...

I have always been cursed with nervousness and the inability to say what I feel. Call it closed off alpha male syndrome. Call it unbalanced love for communication in text... I just feel better when writing or even on the phone. I've always been this way, but I still make actions that paint me as a driven person who gets what he wants. I have a sense of feeling cunning or heartless, because I just don't know how to express myself up front. I fear that kind of openness. It hardly comes out unless I have my eyes closed on a therapist's couch, and even then honesty gets replaced by comfort and instead it is two friends dancing around on the shallow surface of truth, never digging in for the big kill.

I don't know what makes me into so many people/identities and so uncomfortable at the same time. I don't understand why I systematically downplay the importance of everything until it reaches a state where nothing can hurt me. The thing I forget most is nothing is ever really gained without chance. I just expect that moment where everything runs into a brick wall and communication and feeling disappear. This is all effed.

Honestly. No one is reading this except... and I don't know if that makes it matter or worthless.