Thursday, April 2, 2009

why did i forget to publish this post?

"I often speak of you but the you is always me
'cause when I speak of me it's me I ask of you
so let there be no truth just trickery in rhymes
time the only thing waiting still as death..."
-from SOOT & STARS, by Smashing Pumpkins

I ask "What the Devil is going on here?" The faces returned to me are the standard look I see after delivering any simple question in pure anger. Calm, harmless expressions on my beleaguered victims. I'm on another vicious tear... fucking give me some peace!

This morning is a game of silence and subtle prose. I am toying with my emotions without any regard for consequences. Maybe some explanation will come out of it.

I sat about this morning trying to re-kindle and explain the feelings of last night. So much has taken place in a year, and it has changed perception of what I want in my life. Here I am, in college, progressing my life along the course program in a deliberate and delegated fashion. Classes taken, some passed/some failed, but the truest lessons come about as a challenge to my character.

In this morning fog I smoke cigs from the balcony with tepidity. I have been trying to weigh out my own schizophrenia and my own varied desires for myself. This time last year I was on the verge of losing everything. Fast-forward to now, and I am not sure I want anything I have.

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