we're a work in progress, but i'm not going anywhere.

i'm still trying so hard to get it all out on the table. for her sake, and also for mine, i've crashed through the boundaries of fear and guilt, but there are so many layers and angles to approach and break through. letting her know me and hoping to better understand myself is going to take a long time.

i want to start that i have never been treated this well or this honestly in my entire life. i have to admit that i probably brought a lot of my misfortune on myself, because i've never really been grateful for anything. BUT, on a lonely night like tonight, for the first time... i'm working on being thankful.

life has really taken a turn for the better. in the past i was successful at somehow anesthetizing any good moment coming my way with booze or drug, and therefore disfiguring it into some totem to the agony i faced growing up. "nothing is ever right" or "this always happens to me" or "i'll never be happy" always whined out and could only be forgotten with raging drink or careless living. maybe it has a lot to do with why i am so empty of words lately. i don't know the language of happiness. smiling is all i can do.

all that has been going on between us lately has brought about the realization that i can't be doing this just for her. i approached this relationship from the start with a calm acceptance that i would not try to control her, and that i'd rather break up and let her live free and happy than suffocate her freedom. maybe it's a defense mechanism, but i just don't want to abuse the love she gives so freely. it's something i have done in the past. but also, there's a side of me that is so fearful of getting hurt and fucked up over it that i'm so ready to cut loose if anything ever spins in the direction of pain or jealousy. wherever our story takes us, i don't want to get into some pattern of anger or control. she got that from Phil, and I've been that typical mold of an asshole in the past. no one deserves it.

i have hurt women in the past because i chose to be weak and parasitic instead of strong and accepting. if i am ever going to be a worthy man i'll have to develop some better solidarity, and not just some haphazard luck that carries me from one beneficial situation to another. it is true that i have done many things in my life, but i typically am not a good closer. i never really left anything on my own terms. something was alway skewed and short-changed. i'm trying to grow into a position where i can define my own identity. hopefully the love i have for this girl and a good directed sense of what i want to do will help me keep her along for the ride with me. either way, whether in love or just loving me... i need to at least keep this woman in the stands cheering for me. doing anything that would make her proud is a great motivation.

but anyways, back to the happiness at hand... i love this beautiful woman, Kaitlyn Ubaldini (a last name she dared me to guess the first time i met her with the promise of her getting naked if i got it right [haha!!!]). and though i hate trying to sleep without her by my side, i need these moments to get my head right. i need to be able to pull back and see how she loves me for who i am, despite my failings as a person. i need some time to see that i am only inventing the current chaos and drama for myself, in my mind, to be worried for the sake of worrying. it's all i've ever been programmed to do. and though the nights spent alone are sometimes tough, i'm glad it's re-affirming that i'm growing, and moving in the right direction. maybe not all hope is lost on me.

Kaitlyn, what can i say? you were right. there's more to me than the partyboy surface. maybe there's a success story to be had in all of this. and i thought i was just a wandering drunk doomed to stumble about the Earth. believe me, i am glad i dragged you up those stairs and pushed you up against that wall. i'm glad you call me your's. i'm glad you wait for these malformed words to come out, and that you're dying to read them. Just know that I love you so much, even as I am trying to define that sometimes overused, four-letter word. I can't wait to have you back in my arms and hold you while you sleep. I hope these words somehow find you while you dream.

I Love You,
Johnny